Confession

A couple weeks ago I saw raw chicken feet at the grocery store, I never knew that sight could make me feel at home. Walking around H-mart (a store with food from different countries) was like being in Thailand. The vegetables, fruit, abundance of fish sauce and oyster sauce, mamaa noodles, it all took me back. It's hard to explain how much I miss Thailand, especially the deep friendships born from adversity and overcoming. I can't explain how it feels like a huge part of me is missing. One that I will never get back, at least not in the way it was before. Yes, Thailand was hard, hot, and hectic. But I had a purpose and I felt (most of the time) like I was doing something worthwhile. Now I frantically study and try to fit into a place where I'm not sure I'll ever fit into again. I feel an extreme confusion of identity, a strange mix between two cultures and lands. Most of the time I feel like crawling into a hole would be a good option for me. I don't know if that is normal for someone in my situation, I realize it's not normal for most people. Honestly, most days I struggle to hold it together. I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it. Now that you have all heard my confession and know that I am indeed crazy, please don't hold it against me. If you think of it though I'd appreciate your prayers.

On that happy note let me share just a few things I'm thankful for here in Colorado.

• beautiful mountains
• fall colors, changing leaves
• crisp snow
• sweet friends (who have been instrumental in providing me with warm jackets...I think they were concerned I would freeze to death) including one of my wonderful roommates from Thailand
• the precious 5 month old boy I look after - who could ask for a better job
• generous friends who are letting me live in their toasty basement :)
• a reliable car (not saying Vente wasn't fantastic 'cuz it was) I am just thankful I don't have to add water everyday to my radiator if I hope to make to my destination
• new music
• talking with my sister every week

Unfathomable Love

So far in my time at seminary I've been impressed with one particular overwhelming feeling. Other than the overwhelming feeling of more reading than I think I can possibly accomplish, that is.

Reading through Genesis and Exodus I was impressed with the depravity of humanity. But more than that I saw God more clearly than before. I saw Him clearly in His response toward the fallen people He loves.

• Towards Abraham when he tried to pass Sarah off as his sister, twice
• Ishmael even though he wasn't God's chosen
• Moses even though he killed an Egyptian and tried to get out of being used by God to rescue his people
• Jacob even though he deceived his father
• The Israelites in the wilderness even though they complained and doubted
• And so many others

Then after I began to notice this theme it appeared to be everywhere. One of my professors was explaining the Fall in Genesis. He explained how more than anything it showed the character of God. It was His first response to the rebellion and sin of the people He had created. He set the stage of how our usual understanding of "They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden," can actually be understood as God moving in a mighty wind. That makes more sense for a just God right after sin than Him just strolling through the garden. Yet, His first words were not of judgement or condemnation. They were a call, a call to bring His people back into relationship with Him. "Where are you?" An invitation to take a step back towards Him. Then, He gave them a chance to confess their sin. Next, He made provision for them to survive. They do receive the consequences of their sin. No doubt about that, and they did open the door for the presence of sin in all mankind. But God's response to them shows His character in a mighty way. He still loved them. He forgave them. He continued to provide for them. He didn't give them death that they deserved. He knew that death did have to be paid for each of them and for us. He can't allow sin to go unpunished. Yet, He did something none of us would ever do. He gave of Himself, His son to pay our debt. Because He loves us. Because He loved them.

Then as I heard the words to one of my favorite songs this theme of God's unfailing love came again to my mind.

"Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/jesus-culture-your-love-never-fails-lyrics.html ]
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails"

We used to listen to this song because it was on our school van's one cd. (Not that I'm complaining...it was a good cd.) :) I remember driving to school with a bunch of kids laughing in the back and a bunch of teachers talking and so many times I was praying "God I don't have strength for today." The words of this song would remind me "And when the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid, because I know that You love me, Your love never fails." He would sustain me. Now that I'm here with a completely different set of challenges, exhaustion, and fears He again reminds me He stays the same and that His love never changes. It sustained me then and it sustains me now. I stand amazed at the love He has for us. I can't understand His forgiveness, His mercy, and His grace. It is beyond my comprehension. But I know that He treated those in the Bible that way. And I know that is how He sees me. I will never understand...but I will always be grateful.

Promised Land

The following is written by Holley Gerth, however I felt she beautifully captured something I feel so often.

"It's funny how the biggest, bravest steps in our lives often happen quietly...
When we decide that God's silent whisper is somehow louder than the sound of our heart about to beat out of our chest.When we longingly look back at our comfort zone and say, "I'm going to miss you." When we cross the ocean and burn the ships and we don't yet know what we may find.   

Everyone talks about when the Israelites crossed the Red Sea. But that's not the only time God parted the waters for them. On the edge of the Promised Land, they came to the Jordan river. When the priests stepped into the water then it parted. It always takes a step of faith to get to the Promised Land. Always. And if you wait until you're unafraid, you'll never cross.

Go for your Promised Land, friend.
Let nothing hold you back.
Put your feet into that water and feel the dry ground of God's goodness.
You can do this with Him-one step at a time.
"With God all things are possible.""

I can't tell you how many times my heart has beat this way, so afraid, but I knew whatever He was asking me to do He was going to be with me through it. Most of the time, there was no one else there. We have to make that choice on our own not always knowing what we are going to find. But I can say, even in the hard and challenging times, that He is good. So often we are captivated by fear, we are held back by thoughts of failure. I happen to think that this is one huge way where Satan renders us ineffective. I've spoken with people who heard God's whisper and yet were too afraid to step out. Too afraid to take Him at His word. I'll tell you, at times it is scary, but it has always been worth it. He has never failed me. Not once. He will accomplish His purpose, He will be glorified. Believe Him...and in the midst of fear...walk.

Barbarians

As I've recently returned to the country of my birth, the place that seems so different now to me than it once did, I have to face myself. Sometimes what I've seen seems so far away not even real. Yet, I know more than ever that the pain and suffering and need still exist. It is still my responsibility and joy to do what I can to bring light and hope to those in darkness.

While overseas I read a book called "The Barbarian Way" that I think holds a lot of truth. I'd like to share some quotes that really struck me from this book.

"The safest place to be is in the center of the will of God...I've always had a great disdain for this statement, but I have to admit that this particular context (the diary of Corrie Ten Boom) shows me how far we've strayed from how it must have been understood...Clearly neither of them (Corrie or her sister Betsie) concluded that this expression conveyed a belief that God would keep them from suffering hardship and even death. Betsie's statement was a declaration that to walk in the character of Christ is always the right choice, regardless of outcome or consequence. We have somehow perverted this more primal understanding to a far more civilized one. Instead of finding confidence to live as we should regardless of our circumstances, we have used it as justification to choose the path of least resistance, least difficulty, least sacrifice. Instead of concluding it is best to be wherever God wants us to be, we have decided that wherever it is best for us to be is where God wants us. Actually, God's will for us is less about our comfort than it is about our contribution. God would never choose for us safety at the cost of significance. God created you so that your life would count, not so that you could count the days of your life."

"How have we come to this sanitized view of the faith to which Jesus calls us? Somewhere along the way the movement of Jesus Christ became civilized as Christianity. We created a religion using the name of Jesus Christ and convinced ourselves that God's optimal desire for our lives was to insulate us in a spiritual bubble where we risk nothing, sacrifice nothing, lose nothing, worry about nothing. Yet Jesus' death wasn't to free us from dying, but to free us from the fear of death. Jesus came to liberate us so that we could die up front and then live. Jesus Christ wants to take us to places where only dead men and women can go."

"The original call of Jesus was so simple, so clean, so clear: "Follow Me." He wants us to surrender our lives to Him and follow Him into the unknown. And if it means a life of suffering, hardship, and disappointment, it will be worth it because following Jesus Christ is more powerful and more fulfilling than living with everything in the world minus Him. Have we forgotten this?"

"We resist love to avoid pain and squelch our dreams out of fear of failure. For the Spirit of God to unleash dreams and visions within our souls, we must become free to risk and to fail."

"Anyone who chooses the barbarian way will learn quickly that love and sacrifice cannot be separated. This is perhaps why so many of us who know love fear love. We know that love is not the absence of pain. If anything, love is the promise of pain. No one has loved more deeply than God. Has anyone ever been more betrayed? God would not know suffering if He did not know love. But because He is Love, He chose to suffer on our behalf. Without love there is no glory in suffering."

"The more civilized we seem to become, the more detached from the pain of others we end up finding ourselves. Good needs to be done, but someone else will take care of it. The barbarian revolt tolerates no such abdication of responsibility. Every citizen of the kingdom of God is brought into the heat of the conflict between good and evil. Everyone who swears allegiance to Christ bears responsibility for humanity. The power and force of the barbarian way are that each once who chooses His path must find the courage to jump."

"Jesus leads us into the heart of the dark kingdom, into the soul of what is most evil. He takes us where mankind has chosen to live. He calls us to where the darkness has made those who wander there desperate for light. He leads us as warriors of light to risk our lives for the deliverance of others. Again, our own weapons are love, hope, and faith, and they are our only defense. Yet we above all know that they and only they liberate us and fulfill the deepest longings of our souls."

We all have a choice.

This doesn't mean that we all have to move across the world, not at all. But it does mean that we have to be trusting enough to get up when He calls us and follow where He leads wherever that may be. We need to live in such a way that we aren't seeking our comfort but His glory. Not our safety but His fame. Is our God absolutely loving? For sure. He was loving enough to send Jesus for all of humanity, do you not think He is loving enough to send us for those who don't yet know Him? To be allowed to be an instrument of His love...that is something worth living for and worth thanking Him for. I'm being reminded yet again of the worth of living life for Him only. Sometimes we can think that there is something more important to live for...yet I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I traded serving the Lord Almighty for vain idols which didn't profit.

Last Post for this Chapter

Dragon fruit plant

   For my last Saturday in Thailand I got to do something that is fast becoming one of my favorite things. I got to take a truck up a mountain and visit with the villagers at the top. I love that. I love the beauty of the clouds and hills. I love the green of the fields and trees. I love the uncrowded, unpolluted, simplicity of mountain life. I love sitting around on the floor of the huts, salas, and three-sided buildings. I love eating dragon fruit and bananas right off the tree. I love the kindness of villagers, and stopping speak with a woman on her way home from work in the fields with two children in tow. I love the afternoon snack of boiled sticky rice mixed with coconut milk, peanuts, red bananas, and sugar.

   It has been such a privilege to have the opportunity these last few months to meet so many sweet people and get to share life with them, if even for a short time. Uncle, the man we went to visit yesterday is about 70 years old, paralyzed, and alone. He has no relatives, no children, no friends really. He lies on the floor of a shack with three sides. He calls out to those walking past when he is hungry. He has laid without being washed for about four years. On our first visit to care for him we found him surrounded by smelly old clothes and filth. We bathed him, cut his hair, clipped his nails, and changed his clothes and bedding. A sweet co-worker and friend of mine used her nursing skills to assess and care for him. He seemed to be pleased with the outcome and feeling refreshed. A co-worker of ours, native to this village, who had a heart to help this man arranged with the village leaders for a volunteer to come once or twice a week to wash this sweet man and clean his hut.

   This trip was to check on his progress and whether the caregivers were feeling okay with how things were going. Uncle seemed much more engaged this visit. He kept reaching out to hold our hands. He spoke in Shan to our co-worker who translated for us. He said that he was so happy we came back to visit, he said that he feels good but a bit lonely, he doesn't have many visitors. When he heard that we were coming to visit he was very excited. He even asked that we cut his hair again. So, we clipped his toenails, checked for skin break down at pressure points, cut his hair, and smiled often. He delighted in attention, in people who made a special trip up the mountain just to see him. He enjoyed feeling like he mattered to someone in the world. I didn't want to leave him... there... alone. I wonder at his story, where he came from, who he is inside.

   "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." At the end of my time in this place, saying goodbye to people dear to my heart I still say, "It is better to have loved." Because we loved...leaving hurts. Because we loved, the thought of not seeing our kids grow up hurts. Because we loved...the tears fall as we say goodbye. The pain means that we loved. However, that love is not lost. It is held in the hearts of everyone who received it. Maybe they won't remember us for long, but hopefully they will remember that they are loved. Maybe that paralyzed man won't remember us cutting his hair, but hopefully he'll remember that someone loved him. Maybe the children we held, taught, and played with will grow up with a knowledge of what love is. No, we haven't lost. We are forever changed for the better by the people we have loved and by the people who have loved us. I will always love them so long.

Please Don't Forget

   "If Partners didn't help us, we wouldn't make it." She told me this as we sat under the green trees in the mountains of northern Thailand. She said it sincerely and with gratitude. She and her husband care for thirty-three children in one of the children's homes that Partners helps support. She has three children of her own and thinks herself old at 33 years of age. The children at this home expressed gratitude for the hygiene supplies we brought yet mostly I think what they appreciate is food. In their homes and villages there is often not enough food for everyone and so they know what it is like to be hungry. Even at this home there is sometimes not quite enough. The children know well how to dig up and find things in the jungle that are good to eat. These are not people who have plenty and who don't really even notice an extra dollar. For these people absolutely every dollar goes to meet a practical need in their lives. Most of them know what life looks like without that help. They give generously of what they have, little though it may be. A statement I heard often was, "We just have a lot to talk to God about." They believe that He is a big God and that He will come through for them...because He always has, through people like Partners who get involved in practical ways in order to show the love of Christ.

   This was a similar story that I heard all over the mountains. A story of not enough, of no opportunity, of hopelessness. Yet for the people I spoke with, knowing the Lord had changed that. The Lord had brought them out of addiction, out of refugee camps, out of despair. They follow Him. They care for others often when it means sacrifice for themselves. A family of five (caring for the 33 children of this home) living off of 5,000 baht ($167) per month decided to split that income with a family of three with a baby on the way. They do this so that the other family has a chance to survive as well. They help meet needs in each other's lives.

   One boy, about 15, is a hard worker, smart, responsible kid. He takes care of others and does more than his share. His parents have told him to his face that they don't care about him. That he's not worth anything to them. This breaks his heart. Who would be strong enough to take that? Yet, he continues on with a good attitude although often in great sadness. I asked what will happen to him when he finishes high school. They said, "Oh, nothing. He has no money, his parents don't care, and he doesn't have the chance to go to school after that. He'll just go back and try to find work." They would help him if they could, but it's impossible for them. What would be so little for someone in the States would mean the world to him. It would open up the world for him. He's not the only one.

   About a month ago three boys from this home who had finished high school showed up in Chiang Mai. They came to woman I was working with and told her, "We have no money, we have nowhere to live, we have no food, and we have no idea what to do. But, we trust God, we want to help our village, we want an education. Is there anyway you can help us?" She did, because she's a generous woman who loves God and wants to be His instrument in anyway she can. She let them stay with her, she fed them, she enrolled them in school, she helped them find a home, she paid their fees. These are the first generation...she can't support them all. How will the rest survive? Who will help them?

 This is the girl's dorm. Above: inside Below: outside

 These are the children who live at the home.

 These are the three bathrooms for the 35 people.

This is their kitchen and dining room. The floor is made out of bamboo and I completely thought I was going to break it. 

   The beautiful, strong, kind caregiver of the 33 told me several times as we were preparing to go, "Don't forget us." "Please pray for us." "Please don't forget us." Somehow they know, that most of the world doesn't know their plight. They know that people who do know often go back to their comfortable homes and forget about the children here and the things they've seen. Lord, please help me never to forget. Please help my heart to always break for the hurting. Please don't let me stand by and do nothing. Please always help me to act in Your love with Your strength.

Sweet Beads

Last week, I was asked to be a translator for a short term team to a children's home. That was mostly because I happened to be the only one available and I enjoy working with kids. However it happened I'm so thankful for the chance to get to be a part of the kids lives for a eight days. We packed our bags and drove the winding road to the middle of nowhere. It also happened to be (in my opinion) the prettiest place I've ever been to. We shared three squatty potties and one bucket shower with twenty four kids and five adults. We met sweet people who have chosen to love these children and work for their freedom. We were blessed by the stories of how the Lord has been working. We were amazed by the children's hard work and skills. We were honored to get to love on them and share in their life.

Early in the week I noticed two boys that I was sure were brothers because their faces were so similar. I noticed the older boy because he had a gentle face and calm manner. He seemed different than the other older boys. It wasn't until later that it was pointed out to me that they also had the same face as one of the farmers who lived in a small shack next to the kitchen. The farmer was deaf and couldn't really communicate easily with others yet he had the same gentle and thoughtful manner as his son. The mom is nowhere to be found, I don't know what happened to her.

On the last night the girls that I had come with shared beads and string with the kids. We did a little lesson about colors and English words and then let the kids make necklaces. I watched the kids wondering how they would enjoy the activity. I thought maybe the girls would enjoy it but the boys would rush through. However, all the kids from the oldest to the youngest boys and girls all spent at least one hour creating masterpieces. They carefully chose each bead and strung them with care. Then the "mom" of the home came over and began to make a necklace with the kids. However, when I saw the sweet farmer dad come and start carefully creating his own jewelry my heart was softened. I realized that these adults who work so hard to create better futures for these kids came from backgrounds more humble than the kids. They've all had to fight to survive. It was the first time any of them had ever had beads and had the chance to make something of their very own. After a bit, the kitchen helper, who lives at the home with her three year old son, joined in the fun. At one point I caught the farmer's eye and he proudly showed me his string of beads and gave me a huge grin.

They don't have much, and what they do have they worked hard for. The kids have planted three large fields, two corn and one rice. They go to school everyday and then come home and work the fields, do homework, play sports, sing, or dance. They are full of life and energy. They really help each other. Several times the older boys would be holding the littlest boy as he slept during the evening worship time. It was beautiful to see the Lord's redeeming work in each of their lives. I pray that their futures are as bright as their smiles.