Rain and Tears

I'll be honest. This week...wasn't great. Tears came unbidden and irritation got the best of me. I felt overwhelmed and under skilled.

Our days are much like every one's... ordinary, unpredictable, and much more than we can handle. We wrestle with curriculum that despite the best efforts of many just doesn't match. We stumble around with words that just don't make sense. We spend hours planning, preparing and the work just isn't finished. We have hundreds of last minute changes and too much work with not enough hands.

Life is made of the days when I'm just so irritated that our kitchen roof leaks just about everyday, that one thing after another breaks on our car (I'm almost convinced that everytime we take the car to the shop they intentionally break something else so that we have to go back), that the cockroaches enjoy living under our roof. I'm annoyed that I live in a hot humid climate, that it may sound like its raining but it is actually the sound of many termite wings beating against our windows, that our Internet works in short intervals (when it's not too hot) and mocks me the rest of the time. That my students would decide to be crazy the day we have visitors in our classroom. That half the computers in the lab refuse to work as I'm trying to calmly teach a computer class to prove that really things aren't normally this crazy. That I ending up having to have one of the aforementioned visitors write the students scores on the whiteboard as they finished their computer activity every thirty seconds, while another volunteer reviewed flashcards with the half of the class that didn't end up with a computer. Meanwhile I spent most of the class in the hallway with two little rebellious and broken hearts and four eyes with big tears. You get the picture.

Sometimes the challenges of teaching my students, the termites, the floods, and the communication barriers drown out the voice of truth. They make it seem as if absolutely everything is terrible and that it will never get better.

BUT. But, the truth is that...

He whispers that He is my life. My salvation. My joy. My love. My strength.

And just as He graciously gave me salvation He has also granted to me suffering.

I know that heat, gross bugs, and constant challenges in our work do not compare to the suffering of many Christians and especially do not compare to the sufferings of Christ. Yet, for us, right now this is what has been granted to us as a privilege. A privilege for the glory of Christ and for our good.

"To you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake."

The suffering, it's worth it. Why? Because it has been granted to me to believe in Him. Because He has laid hold of me, because He has poured out His blood to give me grace. Because suffering is often His means of spreading His message to the people who are far off. Because He suffered while walking on this earth, and He is our example. Because He loves me enough to die a horrible death to allow me to be His own. His own. As His own I know that what He allows in my life is for a good purpose and that one day He will wipe away all my tears.

Under the Cross

Lately, many people have asked, "So, I noticed there are Buddhist idols at your school, why is that?" While my mouth gives the black and white answer in my mind I think about what those idols represent. They are symbols of a lie of the devil that we daily fight against. How daily we live and work under the loving eyes of our all-seeing Father as well as in front of the unseeing work of man's hands.

On the surface, we are just a school. Underneath there is so much more.

I have Buddhist children who during FUN reading when they get to pick anything they want choose my English Children's Bible. When they've looked in that Bible they get the Thai Children's Bible and read about the stories. My boy from the mountains who has trouble speaking Thai sits next to this boy and tells him the Bible stories that he knows. When the daughter of an woman suffering from cancer who is also an ex-prostitute comes to join my class I'm thankful I get to speak into her life. I have a little girl who was just taken from her father and his girlfriend (who is a man who has decided to become a woman) because of abuse and other illegal activity. I have a boy whose parents abandoned him, and one whose parents are in jail.

Everyday our team speaks into their lives. In all the languages we speak we tell them they can overcome. With all our efforts we show them they are worth it. With every ounce of His energy we pour His love on them.

For many of them we are their only hope. Their only hope of coming to know Christ Jesus as Savior. Their only hope of receiving a good education and not being left behind. Their only hope of a better future and a life different from their parent's.

Everyday we fight to be light in the darkness. We pray that the entrenched tradition of Buddhism and the unseeing, unhearing, unknowing statues which represent it will one day be cast down. That its influence will no longer blind our children or their families to the truth of Christ.

So at times when it seems like we live under the darkness of the idols and the lies of the devil which pervade this country, we have to remember that really we live under the cross, the victorious and gracious cross of Christ. That Christ on the cross ransomed and redeemed all who will come to Him. That He is the light in this darkness, the hope for these precious ones, and the Savior of every nation.

Missing the Mark

Someone once said, "I bet it'd be great to go to a church filled with missionaries." One might think that because we're all here to spread the love of Christ. I mean that's our full time job, that's the desire of our hearts, and that's our call from the Lord. Sadly, we don't always do that very well. We're busy, we're stretched, and we're tired. We daily operate in a language we don't always understand, in a culture that we often feel uncomfortable in, in a country where life doesn't go as expected. Sometimes, we let that get to us. Sometimes, we go to church and don't even speak to anyone else. Sometimes, we talk a bit with the people we know and then leave. Rarely do we open up or reach out. Isn't that awful?

We recently met some people (at said church) who have become fast friends. Such good friends in fact that we spent Christmas day with them, have gone over just to visit, shared dinner, and have taken a day trip in the short time that we've known them. What makes them different? Well, they've said that the bar (the expectations God has) for believers is set high and they claim to be much lower than that level, but in my eyes they are so much closer to that standard than myself and many other Christians I know. They live intentionally, they reach out, they share with anyone who needs some help, they listen, they love you for who you are, they don't condemn, they don't preach, all this while living in a smallish apartment with five kids, one being a brand new baby. They are one of the greatest pictures of the love of Christ I've seen in my life.

They said, "You know, when we were younger, even newly married. People adopted us. They invited us into their homes, they fed us, they loved us. And we remember how much that meant to us and we try to do that to whoever we can, whenever we can." I've been so blessed to be "adopted" into their family for the time they are here. More than that, I hope to live like they do. To have an open heart and open door policy.

Sometimes, I think it gets too easy to get caught up in our own lives and ministries. To consider the things God has blessed me with on this earth as MY time, MY money, MY energy, and MY comfort. This friend said he met a Asian man and when they discovered that they were both believers the other man gave him a big hug. Sadly, to us that might be weird. I mean how many other fellow believers have I met here and I've never done that. These two men realized how great it is to be on the same team. Really, for those of us "missionaries" over here it's crazy that we can meet, have less than mediocre small talk, and then walk away never to remember the other person's face or story. We're here for the same purpose, we face the same struggles, we fight the same attacks, and feel the same sense of loss. Why don't we band together more?

I'm sorry Lord that I daily miss the mark. I'm sorry that often I don't love like You do. I'm sorry that sometimes I don't even try to reach Your standard, that I quit before I begin. I'm sorry for those of us called by Your name who often lose sight of what You've called us to do. I'm sorry that we don't have love for each other, the kind of love that shows us to be Your disciples. I'm sorry when I care more about my worries than about listening to, helping, or loving my brothers and sisters. I'm sorry that I sit in church and then walk out to serve You without even considering the person in the seat next to me. I'm sorry, Lord when I give up the opportunity to talk with others who speak my language because I've gotten so out of practice and I'm scared. I'm sorry for the really terrible excuse for a follower of You that I often am.

Thank you for your never-ending forgiveness. Thank you that I don't have to hit the mark on my own. Thank you for your promise of help and strength. Thank you for grace. Lord, help me to love you more and love others better. May I take the time to reach out to everyone I can when I have opportunity. May others never leave my presence feeling unheard, unloved, or unwanted. Lord, help me by your strength and grace to come much closer to hitting the mark.

The Least That's Due

Befriended, befriended by the King above all kings
Surrendered, surrendered to the friend above all friends
Invited, invited deep into this mystery
Delighted, delighted by the wonders I have seen
This will be my story
This will be my song
You’ll always be my Savior, Jesus
You will always have my heart
Astounded, astounded that Your gospel beckoned me
Surrounded, surrounded but I’ve never been so free
Determined, determined now to live this life for You
You're so worthy my greatest gift would be the least You’re due"

This is a beautiful song by Matt Redman and when I heard it last month for the first time, it just about brought me to tears. Especially the line, "You're so worthy my greatest gift would be the least You're due." You know, sometimes I get consumed with the weight of sacrifice or the cost of following Jesus. Well...what I consider weight and cost. Recently, I realized the gift I hold out in shaking arms thinking "Lord this is my everything, this is my all, this is the most I can give" that huge (in my eyes) gift, it's the least He is due. How I owe so much more, how I wish I could give so much more. Yet I know He receives my minuscule gift...my life... and He promises to refine, to purify, and to strengthen it until it is a gift fit for a King. What grace, what love.

Jealous Kind

When we share this land with visitors we always show them temples. Why? Because they are an integral part of this culture, because there is one on nearly every corner, and because they make it real. Real that these are people, real people, who pray to a god who cannot hear and plead forgiveness from a god who is not able to redeem. Every time I see hands clutching lotus blossoms for an offering or eyes closed with heads bowed to the floor I know this person doesn't know. They don't know the truth, the hope of Christ and the salvation bought for them through His blood. Please pray that this country would be released from the power of the deception of the enemy. Please pray that they would know the truth and that the truth would set them free.

As I daily pass these temples the words play repeatedly in my mind, "Built another temple to a stranger." The song by Jars of Clay depicts a person (even a Christian) who allows idols in their life, who sets their course to run into danger, who is unfaithful to the Lord. All the while the Lord is jealous in His love for that person...waiting for them to come to Him. The heart of so many cries, "I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar than be broken by a lover I don't understand." Sometimes, it is just too scary to step into the unknown love of the Lord and sometimes we choose to stay seeped in our pain because it is inside of our comfort zone.

We often allow even establish idols in our lives "one hundred other lovers one hundred other alters, if I should slow my pace and finally subject myself to grace and love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies and breaks the back of foolish pride." While we stray and set various things in our lives higher than the Lord, He jealously desires us to come back to Him. No matter how many times we dangerously set up idols or walk away, He is always ready to receive us with grace and love that mortal men just can't understand. To receive His grace and love means that we have to admit we have been deceived and believed lies and that our pride has separated us from Christ. But He is always ready to receive us...when we turn away from our idols, when they turn away, He is waiting.



P.S. If you watch this video on the small screen the quality is okay, but if you watch it on the large screen the quality is pretty poor. I apologize for that. Hope you get a glimpse anyway.

Unmoving

You know, this week it hit me again. Hit me hard. So hard that I was ashamed, ashamed to have needed to be reminded.

Reminded of the cross... and what exactly Christ's blood bought. I sometimes think, "Sure, we're saved." "Yeah, God has given us grace." "Of course it's great that we don't have to pay the price for our sin." WHAT! What am I thinking?!? How cheaply do I view the agony and blood of Jesus Christ?

"We are not servants to the penalty for our sin, but that guilt and penalty have been removed at the cross." When I truly think about it, I deserve to suffer. I deserve to feel terrible for the countless times I sin. But I don't have to, because Christ did all that suffering for me. Why? Why, would He do that?

Because... I am so depraved that there is no way, ever, that I could make up for my sins. No matter what rituals I complete, what sacrifices I make, or what merit making things I attempt I can never succeed. God knew that so HE sent righteousness to me to meet this need. Righteousness in the form of His son.

"The Spirit of God and the absence of an attitude of defeat go hand in hand." Am I sinful? Yes. Do I sometimes live in the flesh? Yes. On the cross, did Jesus condemn sin in the flesh? Yes. Does that mean that I am not bound to my flesh and the defeat it brings? Yes.

"We do not fulfill the law by walking in the Spirit instead of the flesh, but God fulfills the law in us when we walk after the Spirit of God." I was amazed yet again, by the craziness of this. I can't save myself...I don't even have to try. When we believe in Christ and the work He did on the cross we receive righteousness and a new life. We don't have to walk a life of flesh, we are not bound to it. The way that we do live, in view of the truth, shows others the Spirit of God.

You know, all this amazes me. That God would do this for sinful people... Why would He care to send us righteousness? Why does He want to redeem us? What are His motives?

I can only think of one...

Love.

One of my favorites songs has the words: "When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming?" (You Can Have Me by Sidewalk Prophets)

When did it?

This week I had to think about that...love of this magnitude...why I am unmoved? Do I really think that God desires to save me because of all I would do for Him? Or because I would understand the depth of His love and respond appropriately? No. He knew I wouldn't understand, He knew I would never do amazing things for Him, He knew I would never love Him as He deserved. It didn't matter though, because He loved me that much. He loves you that much too. Do you believe that? Are you moved? Are you consumed?

* Quotes from King James Version Bible Commentary on Romans 8