What Love Sees

So, hands down one of the sweetest moments happened today at school. Behind our school in a small "shed" lives a family. Last Christmastime when the pink baby blankets started appearing on the clothesline we thought it must be a girl. Shortly after I found out that the wife had given birth to a little boy. He's over a year old now and through the past months we've interacted with him some, but since he has become mobile he now toddles over to our PE class, assembly or recess. At least once a day he's in our arms or we are making faces at him or chasing after him. He is one of the cutest babies. Now, if we put our arms out he'll toddle over to us and put his arms up.

Today, some of us English teachers were sitting at a table outside eating lunch. My roommate went to the noodle shop (where his mom works) and came back with him and a butter/milk sandwich. I was holding him and one of my 3rd grade boys came over and sat down with me. I watched as he gently talked to the baby, rubbed his back, jabbered at him, and had this look and manner that I have never seen on him before. He tried to get the baby to go to him, but he came to me instead and my student said, "He likes Miss Emily." I thought my student would lose interest quickly and go running back to his paper airplanes, but he didn't. He sat next to me and loved on our sweet little friend. After a few minutes the baby reached over and gave my student a big hug. And my sweet little boy gave him a big hug back. My student picked up the baby, who is not too much smaller than him and held him in his arms. He played with him and let him wrinkle up his paper airplane. When the bell rang and it was time for our students to line up my boy hugged the baby and gave him a sweet kiss on the cheek and then ran to line up.

I can't explain to you how precious this was. Precious because of a broken little boy who hasn't had the love of a mommy or daddy. A boy who struggles everyday to not give up, to throw his hands up and say he can't. I am amazed by the love I saw shining in his eyes and by his gentle manner which contrasts deeply with his often harsh attitude. In those minutes I saw hope and I saw the goodness of the Lord.



"Tell me your story, show me your wounds, and I'll show you what love sees when love looks at you. Hand me the pieces broken and bruised, and I'll show you what love sees when love sees you. I see what I made in your mother's womb. I see the day I fell in love with you. I see your tomorrows, nothing left to chance. I see My Father's fingerprints. I see your story, I see My name. Written on every beautiful page. You see the struggle, you see the shame. I see the reason I came. I came for your story, I came for your wounds. To show you what Love sees when I see you. When I see you."
~Mac Powell "When Love Sees You"

I know that Jesus was watching us: dirty baby boy who is growing up in a shed, broken little boy who isn't quite sure that he is loved, and weak teacher whose inadequacies glare... He saw us there around that table and He loved us the way He has since before we were born. We bear His fingerprints and I saw them today in the love in an eight year old's eyes.

Forever Changed

I'll always remember, actually I probably won't vividly remember for too long in my mind. Yet my heart will remember. My heart will remember the way it falls in love with beautiful broken children who speak a heart language so different from my own. It will always remember why I agree with the statement that "Asia gets in your blood." That walking these dirt roads has forever changed my heart. That seeing two of my students walk by the gates of our school barefoot, with shaved heads, and draped in orange cloth breaks my heart a little more. As the procession of somber monks walk by clutching their neighbor's offerings and one of the little ones exuberantly calls out to me. As I watch three of my students pick a multitude of leaves from a nearby bush so that they can show me the way they can cut the leaf in two by cutting it with their hand. The way the one who really can't do it at all squeals "Teacher" when he finally makes a small cut in the leaf. The way the little boys look at me before and after every time they shoot the basketball just to make sure I'm watching. The way they don't really seem to care that I'm not the same color as them or that I don't always understand what they are saying.

I've seen their faces, I've listened to their stories, I've dried their tears, I've prayed for them, and I will never be the same. Because of the orphans and at-risk children who I've been blessed to teach or work with "I've exchanged the carefree for the pain of God. His heart is heavy with the pain of suffering for the people He created. The people for whom He died. Then sometimes, He gives us a glimpse into His pain. He peels back the corner of His heart to reveal to us His pain. For His people." (I'm sorry I don't know whose quote this is.)

I know that His heart hurts for the boys who become monks to "earn" merit. I know that He hates it when little girls are used. I know that He suffers when children are hurt by those who should be protecting them. I think that what my heart feels is just a twinge of what our Father God feels for these children, He just lets me have a glimpse of how He feels for them. That glimpse is enough to know my life can never, should never, be the same.

Missing the Mark

Someone once said, "I bet it'd be great to go to a church filled with missionaries." One might think that because we're all here to spread the love of Christ. I mean that's our full time job, that's the desire of our hearts, and that's our call from the Lord. Sadly, we don't always do that very well. We're busy, we're stretched, and we're tired. We daily operate in a language we don't always understand, in a culture that we often feel uncomfortable in, in a country where life doesn't go as expected. Sometimes, we let that get to us. Sometimes, we go to church and don't even speak to anyone else. Sometimes, we talk a bit with the people we know and then leave. Rarely do we open up or reach out. Isn't that awful?

We recently met some people (at said church) who have become fast friends. Such good friends in fact that we spent Christmas day with them, have gone over just to visit, shared dinner, and have taken a day trip in the short time that we've known them. What makes them different? Well, they've said that the bar (the expectations God has) for believers is set high and they claim to be much lower than that level, but in my eyes they are so much closer to that standard than myself and many other Christians I know. They live intentionally, they reach out, they share with anyone who needs some help, they listen, they love you for who you are, they don't condemn, they don't preach, all this while living in a smallish apartment with five kids, one being a brand new baby. They are one of the greatest pictures of the love of Christ I've seen in my life.

They said, "You know, when we were younger, even newly married. People adopted us. They invited us into their homes, they fed us, they loved us. And we remember how much that meant to us and we try to do that to whoever we can, whenever we can." I've been so blessed to be "adopted" into their family for the time they are here. More than that, I hope to live like they do. To have an open heart and open door policy.

Sometimes, I think it gets too easy to get caught up in our own lives and ministries. To consider the things God has blessed me with on this earth as MY time, MY money, MY energy, and MY comfort. This friend said he met a Asian man and when they discovered that they were both believers the other man gave him a big hug. Sadly, to us that might be weird. I mean how many other fellow believers have I met here and I've never done that. These two men realized how great it is to be on the same team. Really, for those of us "missionaries" over here it's crazy that we can meet, have less than mediocre small talk, and then walk away never to remember the other person's face or story. We're here for the same purpose, we face the same struggles, we fight the same attacks, and feel the same sense of loss. Why don't we band together more?

I'm sorry Lord that I daily miss the mark. I'm sorry that often I don't love like You do. I'm sorry that sometimes I don't even try to reach Your standard, that I quit before I begin. I'm sorry for those of us called by Your name who often lose sight of what You've called us to do. I'm sorry that we don't have love for each other, the kind of love that shows us to be Your disciples. I'm sorry when I care more about my worries than about listening to, helping, or loving my brothers and sisters. I'm sorry that I sit in church and then walk out to serve You without even considering the person in the seat next to me. I'm sorry, Lord when I give up the opportunity to talk with others who speak my language because I've gotten so out of practice and I'm scared. I'm sorry for the really terrible excuse for a follower of You that I often am.

Thank you for your never-ending forgiveness. Thank you that I don't have to hit the mark on my own. Thank you for your promise of help and strength. Thank you for grace. Lord, help me to love you more and love others better. May I take the time to reach out to everyone I can when I have opportunity. May others never leave my presence feeling unheard, unloved, or unwanted. Lord, help me by your strength and grace to come much closer to hitting the mark.

Every Moment

Standing at the end of one year and gazing into the next is always a new and exciting time. Somehow it feels like we get a fresh start...at the people we want to be, at the things we want to be our habits, at the possibility of making life go as we think it should.

As we start this new year I've been reminded again of the obvious truth of what Jesus accomplished on the cross. I confess that sometimes I have the mentality that God loves me according to what I do, how good I am, how well I follow Him, what I sacrifice. I have been convicted yet again of how arrogant and how wrong that line of thinking truly is. Standing on the threshold of a new year I'm thankful that the Lord loves me in spite of the fact that I am not who I want to be, that many of the good habits I would like to claim I cannot, and that I cannot control circumstances in my life. I'm so humbled and grateful that He has taken me as I was, as I am, and as I will be. His love doesn't waver based on my goodness, it is grounded in His everlasting and perfect goodness. He has justified me and called me righteous in His eyes...I could never earn that...never in a million years. As the years go by He slowly teaches me how to walk like my Savior. What a gift, knowing that every day of 2011, come what may, His love will be just as strong every single moment.

Jealous Kind

When we share this land with visitors we always show them temples. Why? Because they are an integral part of this culture, because there is one on nearly every corner, and because they make it real. Real that these are people, real people, who pray to a god who cannot hear and plead forgiveness from a god who is not able to redeem. Every time I see hands clutching lotus blossoms for an offering or eyes closed with heads bowed to the floor I know this person doesn't know. They don't know the truth, the hope of Christ and the salvation bought for them through His blood. Please pray that this country would be released from the power of the deception of the enemy. Please pray that they would know the truth and that the truth would set them free.

As I daily pass these temples the words play repeatedly in my mind, "Built another temple to a stranger." The song by Jars of Clay depicts a person (even a Christian) who allows idols in their life, who sets their course to run into danger, who is unfaithful to the Lord. All the while the Lord is jealous in His love for that person...waiting for them to come to Him. The heart of so many cries, "I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar than be broken by a lover I don't understand." Sometimes, it is just too scary to step into the unknown love of the Lord and sometimes we choose to stay seeped in our pain because it is inside of our comfort zone.

We often allow even establish idols in our lives "one hundred other lovers one hundred other alters, if I should slow my pace and finally subject myself to grace and love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies and breaks the back of foolish pride." While we stray and set various things in our lives higher than the Lord, He jealously desires us to come back to Him. No matter how many times we dangerously set up idols or walk away, He is always ready to receive us with grace and love that mortal men just can't understand. To receive His grace and love means that we have to admit we have been deceived and believed lies and that our pride has separated us from Christ. But He is always ready to receive us...when we turn away from our idols, when they turn away, He is waiting.



P.S. If you watch this video on the small screen the quality is okay, but if you watch it on the large screen the quality is pretty poor. I apologize for that. Hope you get a glimpse anyway.

Unmoving

You know, this week it hit me again. Hit me hard. So hard that I was ashamed, ashamed to have needed to be reminded.

Reminded of the cross... and what exactly Christ's blood bought. I sometimes think, "Sure, we're saved." "Yeah, God has given us grace." "Of course it's great that we don't have to pay the price for our sin." WHAT! What am I thinking?!? How cheaply do I view the agony and blood of Jesus Christ?

"We are not servants to the penalty for our sin, but that guilt and penalty have been removed at the cross." When I truly think about it, I deserve to suffer. I deserve to feel terrible for the countless times I sin. But I don't have to, because Christ did all that suffering for me. Why? Why, would He do that?

Because... I am so depraved that there is no way, ever, that I could make up for my sins. No matter what rituals I complete, what sacrifices I make, or what merit making things I attempt I can never succeed. God knew that so HE sent righteousness to me to meet this need. Righteousness in the form of His son.

"The Spirit of God and the absence of an attitude of defeat go hand in hand." Am I sinful? Yes. Do I sometimes live in the flesh? Yes. On the cross, did Jesus condemn sin in the flesh? Yes. Does that mean that I am not bound to my flesh and the defeat it brings? Yes.

"We do not fulfill the law by walking in the Spirit instead of the flesh, but God fulfills the law in us when we walk after the Spirit of God." I was amazed yet again, by the craziness of this. I can't save myself...I don't even have to try. When we believe in Christ and the work He did on the cross we receive righteousness and a new life. We don't have to walk a life of flesh, we are not bound to it. The way that we do live, in view of the truth, shows others the Spirit of God.

You know, all this amazes me. That God would do this for sinful people... Why would He care to send us righteousness? Why does He want to redeem us? What are His motives?

I can only think of one...

Love.

One of my favorites songs has the words: "When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming?" (You Can Have Me by Sidewalk Prophets)

When did it?

This week I had to think about that...love of this magnitude...why I am unmoved? Do I really think that God desires to save me because of all I would do for Him? Or because I would understand the depth of His love and respond appropriately? No. He knew I wouldn't understand, He knew I would never do amazing things for Him, He knew I would never love Him as He deserved. It didn't matter though, because He loved me that much. He loves you that much too. Do you believe that? Are you moved? Are you consumed?

* Quotes from King James Version Bible Commentary on Romans 8

Shh... A Secret

Can I tell you something? Several days ago I asked something of the Lord. I asked Him to open my eyes to see His love and to know His presence...and He answered.

I saw the Lord's unfailing love and redeeming power last week while visiting with sweet children who have suffered great injustice and have been rescued and who have fallen in love with their Savior, Jesus Christ.

I saw the Lord's generosity and sacrifice last week as a former student laid a gift hidden by crumpled notebook paper next to me before shyly running around a corner. As I unfolded the paper and beheld the treasure, a beautiful seashell, my heart broke. How could a child part with one of the very few things she could call her own and such a pretty thing at that? She could do so because of what she had been given. She knew that it doesn't matter what you have for yourself, it matters what you have to give.

I saw the Lord's hand last night while talking to a young woman at a church I've never been to before. A woman who has spent the last two years pouring her heart, soul and strength into people in a very rural area of Thailand. A woman who shared that she was so thankful for what we are doing because she has seen such a huge need for good education and knows how difficult it is to breach that gap.

I saw the Lord's love today as people from several cultures and languages gathered together once again to labor together in this vision of helping children break the cycle of poverty and oppression by sharing first and foremost the love and hope of Christ as well as good education and life skills.

I saw the Lord's heart and provision today when two of our former students, some of the reasons we do what we do, were riding a bike on our street as we were driving home. When we climbed out of the car after a long hot day, we were greeted by two smiling faces that I love but don't see every often. I was greatly encouraged after a conversion with them in Thai during which I both understood and was able to ask questions. It was a huge gift, as I often feel confined in my lack of ability in the Thai language.

I saw the Lord's power today when our landlady removed one of the idols on her property, where our school is located. Such an act requires faith that bad spirits will not be angered and therefore lash out. (Please pray for their protection against Satan and spiritual attacks as that is something we do face here. We desire that as the community sees her act they will come to question their idols and their "power". We also desire that this act lead to a profession of faith in Christ and a changed life.)

I'm overwhelmed by the Lord and His goodness. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes to see where you are...surrounding me.

Love

In honor of Valentines' Day I decided to post something that I recently read on a YWAM website, I am not sure of the original author.

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak with the tongue of a national, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal.

If I wear the national dress and understand the culture and all forms of etiquette, and if I copy all the mannerisms so that I could pass for a national, but have not love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor, and if I spend my energy without reserve, but have not love, I am nothing.

Love endures long hours of language study, and is kind to those who mock his accent, love does not envy those who stayed at home, love does not exalt his home culture, is not proud of national superiority.

Love does not boast about the way we do it back home, does not seek his own ways, is not easily provoked into telling about the beauty of his home country, does not think evil of this culture.

Love bears all criticism about his home culture, believes all good things about this new culture, confidently anticipates being at home in this place, endures all inconveniences.

Love never fails, but where there is cultural anthropology, it will fail, where there is linguistics, it will change.

For we know only part of the culture and we minister to only part of the culture.

But when Christ is reproduced in this culture, then our inadequacies will be insignificant.

When I was in America I spoke as an American I understood as an American I thought as an American, but when I left America, I put away American things.

Now we adapt to this culture awkwardly, but He will live in it intimately, now I speak with a strange accent, but He will speak to the heart.

And now these three remain; cultural adaptation, language study and love, but the greatest of these is love.

After I leave Thailand I certainly won't be remembered for my language ability or skill at blending in, I can only pray that I might be remembered for Christ's love expressed through me.

The Steadfast Love

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

His mercies never come to an end,

They are new every morning,

New every morning,

Great is thy faithfulness oh Lord,

Great is thy faithfulness.

On several recent occasions this song has brought tears to my eyes. One being when five Thai children who had been through some of the worst situations I can think of sang this song in Thai as a farewell to their English teacher. I can't even convey in words the sweetness of their voices proclaiming the steadfast love and faithfulness of their God in light of the circumstances of their lives.

The second time this song has caused tears was earlier this week. The last two weeks have been awful, words cannot describe the pain and frustration that overcame virtually our whole team. It was as though we were knocked down in a fight and as we struggled to get up we were hit again and again. Almost all of our deepest hopes were met with painful disappointment. Everyday was a new circumstance that just caused us to say "WHY?"

The battle I have struggled with is believing in who God is more than in what I can see. I can clearly see pain, disappointment, doubts, and fear. But I can not clearly see God as my loving Father and the giver of good gifts. I was reading James 1:2-3 where it is written that we must consider it all joy when we face various trials because the testing of our faith produces endurance. I was thinking about faith as the conviction of truth, the truth that all I am is dependant on Christ. In the midst of these trials that threaten to tear me apart...do I believe that Jesus Christ is good? Do I believe that His love is unending and unfailing? Do I believe that He is faithful to accomplish His good purpose?

In stormy circumstances truth is not always seen and certainly not always felt. However, I am reminded and choose to believe...

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
His mercies never come to an end,
They are new every morning,

New every morning,
Great is thy faithfulness oh Lord,

Great is thy faithfulness.