What Now?

(My crazy 3rd and 4th grade classes from 2011-2012. I love the expressions on their faces.)

As some of you may have heard there are some changes coming my way. Life recently in fact has been so different than "normal". I've been able to see some of my sweet kiddos since school finished and they still call me teacher, but in truth I'm not. See, the Lord has shown me that right now He has some other things He wants to teach me. I'm not sure which path that is exactly, but I will follow obediently anyway. A wise woman recently told me, "The moment His specific plans for the future will change how you are living, He will reveal them to you." The Lord has been working in my heart and molding it to be what He desires. In fact I even wrote a post last October that is about obedience when you know God has called you. http://www.elenberginthailand.blogspot.com/2011/10/callobedience.html

Right now, as crazy, sudden, or thoughtless as it may seem I know that God is leading. I can't even describe how I know. I won't say that leaving my kids and the school is easy because it's not. The need is still great and I love them deeply. I won't say that leaving not knowing exactly where I'm going is easy. It stretches me far beyond my comfort zone and causes me to rely even more on God. I won't say that living without people I've come to love is easy. It is different and lonely and it broke my heart to say goodbye. But God never said, "Follow me, it's gonna be easy."

I am so thankful because I know He is faithful. I know He will provide. I know that He goes with me. I know His word is true and that He does what He says He will. I am so blessed that He has chosen me to be one of His own. I am so blessed that He allows me to be a part of His work in the world. I can truly say that sometimes I thought what He gave me here in Thailand was too hard. Sometimes I thought it was too much. Sometimes I wondered why me? But now I can clearly see that it has been one of God's sweetest blessings in my life. I can't believe He allowed me to be here, that He taught me, that He carried me, and that He changed me. I am so thankful. If I had the chance to go back to the beginning: before the tears, before the darkness, before the struggles, before the laughter, before the love, before the growth, before I knew what was waiting for me on this side of the world. If I stood at the beginning again and had to choose knowing what was in front of me I wouldn't have done anything differently.

That being said I'm just looking forward, putting one foot in front of the other, and loving God. What now? Only He knows. And I'm okay with that.

Call...Obedience

I'm hesitant to try to explain my thoughts of late. Afraid I can't actually make them make sense in verbalizing them. Thoughts of obedience in the hard stuff, of desiring God's will crazy as it may sometimes seem, of common sense and throwing it out the window. Pete Fleming, missionary to Ecuador wrote, "A call is nothing more nor less than obedience to the will of God, as God presses it home to the soul by whatever means He chooses." I think this means that when we know that a certain choice is obedience to God's will, because He has pressed it on our hearts in various ways over the years, that constitutes a call. Rarely do we have a flashing billboard, a 2x4 to the head, or the audible voice of the Lord. But daily as we meet with Him and seek His face He lets us know. At the end of many quiet conversations with Him I can't explain to any human how His voice has turned my heart and helped me choose. Sometimes, we wait for the obvious sign, when God has already given us the quiet word/nudge. Yes, the Lord does command us to wait for Him alone, but when He gives the green light, we better move. We just have to make the first choice to obey and then follow the path of obedience no matter how many twists and turns, how many stops, or detours there may turn out to be.

I think so often God's will sounds crazy to everyone else, sounds irresponsible, sounds illogical. Yet God is above all that, more powerful, and more in control. It sounds impossible and way more than we can handle. And it is. That's the point. He doesn't call superheros, He calls those who in themselves are unqualified and incapable and He takes delight in providing His strength, His wisdom, and His grace.

I think that too often we miss the deeper call of God on our lives because of fear. Fear of what others will think, fear of being unprotected and uncared for, fear of believing that God is good or fear that God might prove to be harsh or cruel. I think within each of us two strong desires battle. One from the flesh for comfort for security and one from the Spirit for more of God and His plans. At least I know this battle has been fought in me. "God is not overly concerned with our comfort" I read those words from a missionary right before I moved to Thailand. I think he was right. There are much much bigger things going on right before our eyes yet we get tangled up in unnecessary worries. I'm not saying this kind of "crazy" obedience is easy...it is not. But it is worth it. I'm absolutely sure that those who have lived this way don't regret it. My fear is that I will consider the cost too high, the way too rough, the risk too great. That I will choose easy and that at the end I will see a wasted life.

May we be the kind of people who live like we truly believe in our faithful God. May we be the kind that follow Him to the ends of the earth. May we come to see that following Him, knowing Him is all that is truly necessary. May we desire Him more than comfort. May we love Him more than ourselves. By His strength and for His glory.

Depraved Indifference

These are powerful words...life changing actually.

What I Learned from the Laminating Machine

I learned that the constant high pitched squeal of the laminator makes my roommate want to do this...

But seriously, today, while laminating sticker sheets for my students' desks to encourage better listening and careful work I made a mistake...I thought. I thought if I just cut off an unused part of the laminating sheet I could save a half a sheet (laminating film is quite the commodity over here). About a half a second later when the paper was all jammed into the whining machine my heart dropped. In trying to save a half a sheet of paper I had ruined the machine. After a confession of my mistake to my kind roommates and my efforts at yanking an extremely hot piece of plastic out of the unyielding jaws of the laminator, I finally succeeded in righting my wrong and I breathed easy once again.

As this happened for some reason my mind made the connection between my obstinate laminator and my obstinate self. Sometimes (or most times if I'm honest) I think I know what is good for my life, I think I know what is best, I think I know how I can serve in the way the Lord desires. And then it comes crashing down around me what I thought would be good actually ends up causing more problems. Mostly because it is centered around myself instead of the Lord. When will I learn to wait on the Lord? When will I learn to follow at His pace? When will I learn to trust that He is faithful, that He loves me, and that His plan is good? I would like this lesson to only appear once (too late for that) and I would like to master it in about an hour (too late for that too). Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. God takes His time in growing us because He cares how we turn out, and possibly because we struggle a bit in the process. We are His workmanship, the clay in His hands. It is our purpose to submit to His design, to be willing, to be still.

Maybe if I learn to trust and obey I'll make it through the "laminator" of life and end up on the other side useful for the purpose I was created for. I'm so thankful that the Lord's grace covers my sin, my efforts, my mistakes, and my "successes." I'm thankful that it is through His strength and ability I am made into a vessel for His use.